Ever Changing

Well it's another late night filled with more contemplative thinking then is probably healthy. More and more I feel like I am alienated from the common population. I am listening to some music on shuffle and Offspring's "So Alone" just came on. The first verse is a pretty good way of explaining how I am feeling, it says, "Look at the crowd and tell me whether all are surrounded but none are together if you're awake, look all around at all of the people still you're so alone". I know this is mostly due to the lifestyle changes I have made. In making these changes I have alienated myself from so many of the friends that I had previously had so much in common with. Perhaps this feeling could be easily remedied by making new friends that share the lifestyle I now prefer to live, but then my thoughts keep on traveling. For so long I feel like my life was in a rut. I was moving along but not really making any progress. I made some friends in that rut. Now I have climbed out of that rut and am in an open field of possibilities. Hopefully I will not simply fall into another rut, but without the rut to guide the way will I ever find people going in the same direction as I am? I plan on continuing to make progress for the rest of my life. I don't know if you can achieve a perfect state of being but I intend to press towards that end the rest of my life. So I expect I will be changing directions fairly often searching for that oasis at the end of the trail, if there even is one. The ultimate would be finding that special woman who would take hold of my hand and follow my in my journey. Now my thoughts are going all over the place (and I'm getting tired) and I can't keep this going in any coherent direction so to avoid rambling I'll call it a night.

Does Not Play Well With Others

"Does not play well with others"... I actually was given a bumper sticker (a long time ago) by one of my ex's that said that, but to be honest I think it may be true. Don't get me wrong, I have had plenty of friends throughout my life, but not that many really close friends. Even most of the close friendships that I develop eventually go sour, maybe that's just something that goes along with being a guy. Some of them have done so because of specific things but yet other there seems to be no real reason. There have been a few cases where I don't know if I changed or the friend changed or if anyone changed, but I take a step back and wonder how on earth we were such good friends in the first place. Most recently I know who changed, it was me. Making drastic changes in life leads you down different paths and you can't help but leave behind someone who is traveling a different fork in the road. I feel like since I have kind of lost touch with all my high school buddies that I have lost touch with those memories, there is no one to reminisce with anymore. And now I am starting to fell like I am getting to old to develop any new friendships that would have any real significance. I don't know why that is, perhaps older people are less personable, or at least I feel like they are. I go to school and meet all kinds of people but everyone has such busy lives you seem to loose contact as soon as the semester is over. I need to start going to a church on a regular basis but sometimes that can be the hardest place of all to meet people, I kind of always feel like they're judging me. All I know is that I thank the Lord that I have my family who will always be there.